If you read both my birth story and postpartum experience, wow! You get a cookie for reading so much. Sorry if I spammed your VOX lists :) Now for more spam of the fun type: photos!
And now, some video fun! :) I decided to take some video of Sera playing on her activity mat. She's definitely more active and alert these days and it's so great to watch her coo and wiggle around.
I originally posted this on my private family journal about a week after Seraphine was born. I wanted to remember the birthing and postpartum experience in its entirety, both the good and the bad. I've added some updates at the end.
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The past few days have been full of
physical challenges that I was underprepared for. As much as I loved
reading birth stories when I was pregnant, I realize now that I wish
I’d had more information about the post-partum experience. Everyone
loves talking about how their babies came into the world but honestly,
I could have used more real life recounts of the post-partum
experience. The difficulties of being a new parents are far outweighed
by the joys but I’d like to document the physical challenges I’ve had
to face in the past few days, for posterity at the very least but more
so, to give others an idea of the side of childbirth that everyone
experiences but few people talk about.
I’m not surprised when I read journals of
new mothers who regret that they didn’t really enjoy the first few days
of their child’s life because they were so difficult. Not only are you
embarking on the most emotionally challenging part of your life, you’re
doing it in a physically weakened state. I count myself among the lucky
ones because I had a relatively uncomplicated vaginal birth. The only
glitches were the fact that I had an epidural and had a second degree
tear. Even so, the past few days have been some of the most physically
challenging days of my life.
Everyone tells you as a new parent that you need to get rest. For me, sleep deprivation started with labor. My last full day of sleep was two days before Sera was born. Neither Drake nor I have gotten much sleep since Sera arrived. Since I’m breastfeeding, I can’t get more than two, maybe three, hours of sleep in a row since I’m nursing on demand. Sera tends to feed about 10 to 12 times a day, averaging every two hours. She’s a slow eater so a nursing session can take anywhere from half an hour to 45 minutes, sometimes longer.
Over the past few days, we’ve developed a system that seems to work for us. I sleep from the hours of about 11:00PM to 6:00AM (though I wake up to nurse Sera) as well as whenever I can find the opportunity to nap after noon. Drake sleeps from 6:00AM to 12:00 noon as well as takes naps with Sera on his chest after I’ve gone to bed. He only wakes me when it’s time for Sera to eat. That way, Drake can be up and functional to run any errands (like driving us to the doctor, medicine runs, etc.) I honestly don’t know how I’d do this if Drake were to go back to work.
While I was in labor, I probably got two or three hours sleep total in the day and a half preceeding labor. While the pain of labor was no fun, it was the fact that I was so exhausted that made the pain unbearable because I just couldn’t cope with it mentally. When I broke down sobbing during labor, it was more because I was so mentally exhausted rather than simply because it hurt. The pain I knew would crest and ebb but the exhaustion was the constant and I saw no relief for it.
The epidural helped tremendously because it took the pain away and I was able to rest even though I still couldn’t sleep. However because I hadn’t been planning on getting an epidural initially, I didn’t really research the side effects. I knew that the possible side effects included things like a headache but I didn’t get that, thank god. While I wouldn’t have traded the epidural for anything after I had gotten it, I was completely unprepared for a side effect that I hadn’t been told about: shivering. It actually due to the IV they had running before the epidural was in. During labor and for awhile after delivering, I was shivering badly and couldn’t control it.
While the epidural was great for labor and delivery, after Sera was born the shivering made it difficult to hold her for more than a few minutes. It took a long time to wear off. And since I couldn’t get up from the bed for a few hours, it made taking care of her in those first few hours difficult even though her hospital bassinet was right next to the bed. The bed rail was in the way and the bassinet wasn’t at level for me to reach over for her.
One of the things that I had to do within 6 hours of delivery (and removal of the epidural) was to pee twice. This is easier said than done. For one, I had to wait until the epidural had worn off enough to support my weight. For me, that took about three hours. Effects on the right side wore off first and I was able to support myself on the right but my left side was still pretty numb. I made it to the bathroom with the help of Drake and the nurse.
I’ve never been so terrified of going pee. It didn’t burn, thankfully, but the fact that I was bleeding heavily and freshly stitched up was pretty scary. After peeing, I had to wash off with a peri bottle, pat the area dry, spray the area with a topical analgesic and then put on an ice pack, a huge pad and disposable underwear. That first bathroom trip took me probably about ten to fifteen minutes to accomplish all that.
The bleeding that a woman experiences after delivery is called lochia and it happens whether you give birth vaginally or via c-section. All the things I had read had told me that the bleeding from lochia would be like that of a heavy period. All I have to say is that I’ve never experienced a period as heavy as the bleeding I had for about four days post partum. The kit I was given in the hospital included chux pads (blue and white waterproof pads, about 2′ by 2′) as well as these huge pads that were about 4 times the size of a traditional super maxi pad. I was using the huge pads for the first three days post partum and then once I ran out of those, I doubled up on super heavy maxi pads. More than ten days post partum, most of my bleeding has disspated and is now just a heavy, blood tinged discharge though I still bleed a little whenever I breastfeed.
Breastfeeding has been, by far, the hugest physical challenge I’ve faced post partum. The first day or so in the hospital wasn’t bad. The first latch hurt a lot less than I originally thought it would and I made the mistake of going, “Huh, this isn’t so bad!” Every day afterward has been a progressive struggle. Some days are better than others as far as the pain goes. The pain is two fold: sore nipples and sore breasts. Everyone that has seen me has noted that my breasts are a lot bigger than they normally are. I don’t necessarily see it so much as feel it. Nothing fits well, including the nursing tank tops that I bought.
I’ve developed a complete lack of modesty when it comes to my breasts. My breasts and nipples are so sore that it hurts to have cloth rubbing against them. Also, since Sera’s feeding around the clock, it’s a pain to constantly take a shirt on or off. Since my tank tops don’t fit, I’ve taken to just running around without a top on. It’s a lot less of a hassle. When guests are over, I might start off with a top but I oftentimes end up taking it off if I have to feed Sera or otherwise tend to my nipples and then just fail to put it back on. I figure that these boobs are much more utilitarian than sexual and if someone can’t stand to see my lactating breasts, there’s other places they can be.
One of the things that I was completely unprepared for was the amount of pain following the birth. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it. While I’m sure I have it a ton easier than anyone that has had to undergo a cesarean, the aftermath of this vaginal birth was no walk in the park, especially with the second degree tear. I had figured that if I had a vaginal birth, I would have to deal with soreness but not necessarily pain. Changing positions in the bed was difficult, even scooting up or down. Getting in and out of bed had to be approached slowly with deliberate motions. I could really feel my stitches for several days following delivery but after about a week or so, they began to dissolve to the point that I could no longer feel them. More than ten days post partum, the area is still sore but I’m no longer afraid of my stitches.
Though I was able to pass gas fairly soon after delivery, I didn’t have a bowel movement for nearly 5 days! And when I did, I was scared that I’d tear my stitches. It turns out that it wasn’t my stitches that I had to be worried about. I ended up with another wonderful souvenir from delivery: hemorrhoids. Yeesh. The pain killers I’ve been on can cause constipation so I’ve been countering that with drinking Metamucil.
I never realized how sore my arms could be from holding a baby! A small thing but I never even considered having sore arms after birth. But sore they were, especially from being so scared and holding the baby so gingerly that first night. This eased up in the days following the birth — I’m now happy to report that my biceps are totally used to hefting Sera around.
A nurse in the hospital told me that it would probably take about two weeks before I began feeling anywhere close to normal. Now that I’m almost two weeks post-partum, I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot better physically though I’m still no where near 100%. I’m no longer bleeding heavily from lochia though I am still sore down below. I still take pain killers on a regular basis because otherwise, my breasts hurt too much though soon I should be able to survive just on Motrin rather than Motrin and Tylenol #3.
This isn’t to say that I regret all the pain, soreness and sleepless nights. I have a beautiful daughter to care for and I’ve tried to take it all with the attitude of “this too shall pass.” I’ve had my moments when I’ve just broken down and cried because things hurt. I especially remember times when I’ve breastfed Sera with tears rolling down my cheeks because she’d latched poorly again and I knew that breaking the suction and trying again would be just as painful if not more so.
ADDENDA:At 8 weeks postpartum, it is safe to say that I'm fully recovered physically from the birthing experience. Reading what I wrote now makes me glad that I took the time to record my feelings and my experiences; it's so hard to remember what's happened in the past few weeks because everything's gone by so fast!
By far the most difficult thing for me was breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful for me both physically and emotionally. Sera didn't have a great latch in the beginning so I had a LOT of pain while breastfeeding her those first few weeks. I remember dreading feeding her because it hurt so bad. One night, she ended up injuring both breasts so badly due to a poor latch that I had tears streaming down my face for the entire half hour feeding session. I worried constantly about my supply and left the lactation consultation in tears because the LC had told me that I wasn't making enough to feed my daughter because her weight gain was slow.
I nearly gave up nursing so many times but I stubbornly stuck with it, thinking that if I could just get through another day, that would be worth it for Sera. Finally after four weeks, things just seemed to click into place. My milk supply regulated itself and Sera's latch improved to the point that I no longer needed to rely upon nipple shields or constantly slathering lanolin on my breasts. My nipples healed and finally I was able to enjoy nursing. Now I hardly give it a second thought. My breasts are sore sometimes and she may slip on her latch here and there but for the most part, we're both happy.
The sleep deprivation was also killer. Because of her weight gain issues, I let her feed on demand so that she got food whenever she wanted, even if it meant that I got no sleep. And for the first month, I had hardly any sleep at all. Things compounded when it seemed that she had developed colic; there were nights when she did nothing but scream all night long. By the fourth week, I was constantly in tears because I hadn't had more than 2 or 3 hours sleep at a time.
And then again around the 5th week, something changed and she began to sleep for a 4 hour stretch at night which allowed ME to sleep as well. Last week, we began to co-sleep with both of us laying on our sides in the bed. When she's done, she delatches herself and falls asleep snuggled next to me. I've gotten normal amounts of sleep for the past week and I feel great. She also sleeps so much better when she's next to me in bed -- she now refuses to sleep any other way. Luckily, we had always planned on co-sleeping so this isn't a problem for DH and I.
Still, looking back, the first month of Sera's life was definitely the hardest month of my life. But what every experienced parent says is true: it really DOES get better. Things change almost daily with Sera in my life but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wow! It's been nearly 8 weeks since Seraphine was born and I last posted on VOX. Taking care of a baby really takes up a lot of your time!
Here's the birth story for those of you who are interested :) I posted this on my family journal a few weeks ago and am finally getting around to posting it here. I'll be following it with my postpartum experience as well as some photos and videos of my little girl.
Also DH = Dear Husband in case you're reading and wondering what it means.
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On Monday night (17 March), I noticed that I was having regular Braxton Hicks contractions. Still firmly convinced that labor was at least two weeks away and that I’d end up being induced anyway, I wrote them off and went to bed as usual.
I woke up on and off early Tuesday (18 March) for the usual three bathroom breaks. I also woke up with some cramp like pains. I still figured that this probably wasn’t anything until I went to the bathroom when I got up. This time, I noticed that there was a significant amount of pink discharge. I wondered whether or not it was my mucus plug because it didn’t match any description of the mucus plug that I had heard of. I had an NST (non-stress test) scheduled for 11:00AM that morning anyway so I called in to L&D and asked if it was possible if I could come in a bit earlier than usual. They said sure.
I woke up DH and told him what was going on. We debated taking the hospital bags (which, luckily, I had packed completely the night before) and opted against. I figured that I’d be sent home since I wasn’t really contracting and we had other errands to attend to after the scheduled NST.
We arrived at L&D an hour earlier than my appointment. I donned the hospital gown and was given a cervical check. There was even more pink discharge than before; I was told that this was normal. They hooked me up to the monitors for my NST and after the usual 20 minutes, they said everything looked good. There were a few contractions on the monitor but they were unimpressive. Then they had me walk around for an hour with a pad in place to make sure that I wasn’t leaking amniotic fluid. An hour later, I was pronounced okay to leave.
We left the hospital and began to run our errands. While we were out, I began to notice the cramping feeling coming back. After our errands, we went out to eat and I found myself having to set my food down and breathe through some of the pain which was beginning to feel quite regular. We finished eating and then went home to relax.
I began to time my contractions in the mid-afternoon and they were a minute and a half long and about 7 to 8 minutes apart. They started to ebb in intensity and time around 5:00PM and both DH and I figured that it was just false labor. I decided to take a nap around 6:30PM to see if the contractions would subside. An hour later, I hadn’t gotten a wink of rest. I started timing my contractions again and found that they’d gotten longer again (about a minute and a half) and were now about 6 minutes apart.
This continued all night. I took a shower and though the hot water helped me deal with the ever increasing pain slightly better, it didn’t stop the contractions. Since I wasn’t due until 28 March, we’d hoped that DH’s parents would be able to make it from out of state for the birth but this changed things. By about 9:00PM, I suggested to DH that we call our parents and let them know that I *might* go to the hospital tonight since I was contracting and changing activities didn’t stop them. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital then but I said no. I didn’t want to go into the hospital until the contractions were 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long; at this point they were only about 5 to 6 minutes apart.
They stayed about 5 minutes apart until about midnight. We debated going in to L&D at 1:00AM but the idea of staying awake with contractions in L&D was too much for me. Worse, they could send me home. We decided to wait it out at home for a little longer. This turned out to be the better option. DH was able to get some sleep however i had one of the worst nights of sleep of my entire life! I simply could not get to sleep. No matter what position I was in, a contraction would hit and I could not sleep through it. All I could do was close my eyes and get whatever rest I could.
By 5:30AM, I got up and started to time the contractions again. Now they were less than four minutes apart. A trip to the bathroom also showed that I was losing my mucus plug in the blood stained jelly-like substance that most other women had described. I was excited because surely this mean that I was dilating!
I called L&D and was told to come on in to be checked. Convinced that This Was It ™, I woke up DH. We both took showers and he loaded our bags and cameras into the car. We got to the hospital at 7:00AM and got checked in. I was pacing because my contractions were pretty painful. The nurse came in to check me and I was told I was only 1cm dilated! Worse, they said that they were going to send me home. Even worse still, they told me that I was still in the earliest stages of labor and that for first time mothers (like myself) that this could take days. Days?! Of contractions this close together and this strong?! The nurse informed me that, unfortunately, yes.
They conferred with my doctor who I was scheduled to see later that day. The doctor said that I didn’t need to come in that day but to come back in on Friday and that we would schedule an induction for 27 March, a day before my due date. The nurse who was taking care of me told me that she had told the doctor that I wouldn’t last that long — her instinct was that I would be back in L&D that afternoon.
With a heavy heart and ever increasing pain, we went home. I tried to look on the bright side: at least I was going to labor in the comfort of my own home than the hardness of a hospital bed. We stopped off at McDonald’s to pick up some food which DH was able to finish but I was not. He encouraged me to get whatever rest I could for the next few hours and then around noon, we’d start walking to hopefully progress the labor to the point that the hospital would have to admit me.
The next few hours were nothing short of pure, abject torture as far as contractions were concerned. The sight of my bed was anything but welcoming. We have a high, pillow top king sized mattress and the idea of climbing up into it made me hurt. I managed to climb into it between contractions but when a contraction hit, I began to moan. It was the only way that I could deal with the pain. After about an hour of in bed contractions, I figured that nothing could be worse than laboring in bed so I got up to switch positions. I tried sitting on a chair, backwards. I tried bouncing on my birthing ball. I tried pacing. I tried standing with my legs apart, swaying from side to side. Every time a contraction hit, I could only close my eyes, breathe and moan.
After a few hours of this, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I started crying to DH. He’d only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before so I let him sleep in the bed while I labored. While we were in bed, he would hold me and help me relax through each contraction but after I got up, I rather that he slept than coach me. Honestly, it was a lot better off that way because I knew that I needed him up and functional while we were out rather than while we were at home.
DH woke up and comforted me and then suggested that it was time to start walking. The idea was almost torturous but I knew that this was probably the best way to go. Contractions were coming every three minutes and lasting nearly a minute and a half. At best, I had a minute to a minute and a half between contractions to try and gather my wits about me.
We started by talking Miyuki for a walk around the apartment complex. We only made one circuit around the complex and it was quite possibly the slowest walk of Miyuki’s life. We realized we forgot to get a plastic bag for Miyuki’s poop so I walked back to the apartment to get it. It was maybe half a block away but it felt like 10 miles.
After we finished walking Miyuki, we packed up the car again and this time headed for the mall by the hospital. I had a series of contractions in the car but we were both resolved to do this. There was NO WAY that I was going to accept being sent back home. I was in far too much pain.
I have to say that the mall walking was quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever forced myself to do. With DH’s help, I walked the length of the mall — twice. We walked slowly through the mall and some stores. I remember going into Sears and debating the merits of one refrigerator or range set over another, pausing for a contraction, and then resuming right where we left off. It was really sort of unreal. One lady pushing a baby stroller waved and smiled at me, telling me that she was where I was just a few weeks ago. DH commented that I’d entered the Mommy Club.
Mid-way through, we paused to eat over at Red Robin’s. Well, technically, he ordered and I spent a majority of the time sitting with my eyes closed, trying to concentrate through contractions which, at this point, were coming almost one on top of the other. I tried to eat but I couldn’t. We were there for maybe 20 minutes total but it felt like an hour with the pain. Even so, I made the call to do another lap around the mall. It felt and sounded crazy but I was determined that I was going to make progress, even if it killed me.
All told, we spent maybe two and a half hours at the mall. By the time we left, I was completely exhausted. I had my eyes closed for the entire trip to the hospital which was only about 5 minutes but felt like it took much, much longer. I didn’t wait for DH while he tried to find parking or valet. I told him to let me out and that he’d meet me in L&D.
I walked to admitting slowly, telling them that I was in labor. I didn’t sit for the admitting process which was thankfully short since I’d been to the hospital a million times for NSTs. I didn’t even open my eyes for most of it. I just stood there and breathed. Concerned, they said to wait and that they’d get a chair for me — I begged them not to. I told them that it hurt far too much to sit in the chair and that I just needed to walk up there — it felt better anyway. They had one of their newbie clerks walk me upstairs; I had to guide her because she didn’t know where the nurse’s station was. DH had arrived shortly before, carrying all of the baggage. He was determined to convince the nurses that I had to stay and not to send me home again.
Once there, L&D nurses took over. I think they may have almost been out of rooms because it looks like they gave me the last one available which was at the very end of the hall. They gave me the gown to change into, which I did, slowly. They asked me how I was feeling. I told them that I’d been there earlier and in how much pain I was in. I begged, lips quivering, for them not to make me leave — everything hurt so badly. They told me to lay down on the bed and that they’d check me. Thankfully, they proclaimed that I was 4 to 5cm dilated now and that I would be admitted. I nearly cried with thankful tears, I was so happy and relieved. I was going to get to stay!!
I inquired about pain medication and they said that they’d talk to my doctor. After a few minutes of activity, they came back and told me that they’d ordered painkillers. I asked if I could have Demerol which they said my doctor hadn’t ordered. I asked what my options are and they mentioned another narcotic for early labor as well as an epidural. I’d waffled on the epidural up until this point but the nurse warned me that if I was in this much pain already, it would be worse without the epidural. After another minute or so of agonizing pain, I made the decision: I’d get the epidural. Originally, this was the last thing I had wanted because it meant that I’d be confined in the bed until several hours after delivery. After having walked the length of the mall twice, in agonizing pain, trading mobility for less pain was an easy choice.
In order to prepare me for the epidural, they ordered an IV drip which they put in me straight away. Once I was sufficiently hydrated, the anesthesiologist came up and put in the epidural. The nurse noticed that my pulse was high — I was scared sh*tless of the procedure. I needn’t have worried. Aside from a prick in the back, I felt nothing but blessed pain relief in the form of warm, tingly heaviness in the lower half of my body. Contractions became less and less noticeable. I felt no pain and less and less pressure. OH THE RELIEF!!
I was finally able to rest but sleeping still wasn’t an option. I labored in bed, watching various cable TV channels while DH made the calls to family and friends, updating everyone on my progress.
Then came the checks. A little after my epidural was in, the nurses started a pitocin drip. At 7:00PM, the on call doctor from my OB’s practice showed up to check on me. For the three or so hours since I’d gotten the epidural, I hadn’t progressed too much, maybe another centimeter. My parents had shown up right around then. The doctor estimated that I’d dilate one centimeter per hour and likely be ready to push by about midnight. With my permission, she broke my water and also upped the pitocin.
My parents and sister visited for awhile and since the doctor didn’t think it was going to go all that fast, I suggested that they come back tomorrow. While they were visiting, I noticed that my contractions were more noticeable. I asked the nurse if my epidural could be adjusted and they contacted the anesthesiologist. Half an hour later, the anesthesiologist came by and adjusted the epidural, warning me that I would have less control over my lower body. I figured that was fine — by my OB’s estimation, I still had plenty of time before it would be time to push.
My parents and sister left around that time and then I just rested. Around 8:30PM, I started to feel some pressure down below — I figured that her head was moving down. About fifteen minutes later, the nurse came in to check me. I mentioned the pressure and she agreed that the baby’s head was probably starting to move down. Then she noted with surprise that I was nearly fully dilated!! WHOA! The nurse made the call to have me labor down for a bit before trying to push.
A little after 9:00PM, the nurse came back and got me in the stirrups. It was time to try pushing. With the nurse watching and DH holding my leg, I tried pushing. Despite the turned up epidural, I was able to feel my contractions again and more importantly, the pressure. Apparently, I was a really good pusher! I was able to move Sera down effectively, to the point that my nurse realized that she should probably call the doctor. I pushed for another twenty minutes or so before the doctor arrived. With each contraction, I could feel Sera moving down a little bit more. It was a really odd sensation to feel that.
The doctor showed up as did a few other nurses and medical personnel. I was only dimly aware of who was in the room at that point — all I was focusing on was getting Sera out as quick as possible. All I knew was that my baby was almost here! DH was at my right leg, holding it back and watching the entire process. I remember at some point asking if they could see if she had hair. I was assured that she had a thick head of hair. DH kept on assuring me that I was doing such a good job, she’s almost here… he sounded very excited.
I kept pushing with all my might, getting her past that last bit of pubic bone. Once she cleared it, she was out in about two more contractions. I think i remember someone commenting that her eyes were already open as she came out. All I know is that I burst into tears as soon as I heard cry. DH cut the cord and they immediately placed her on my chest.
I just sobbed, staring at her as I held her to me as she screamed. My perfect little baby! I can’t even begin to describe how I felt the first time I saw her. Certainly love at first sight. Other than that, I was elated, relieved, ecstatic, scared… so many different emotions all surging through me all in one moment. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment except for this perfect little creature that laid on my chest. I sobbed, taking in all of her features as she blinked up at me. She was just what I had asked for — a beautiful little girl with her Daddy’s eyes and eyebrows.
They let me hold her for a few minutes before whisking her away to the warmer a few feet away. She scored a 9 on the APGAR — almost perfect. She weighed in at a petite 6lbs, 8oz which was excellent for a baby born to a gestational diabetic mother. The doctor noted that my tight control paid off. She immediately had a heel stick to test her blood sugar — 86. Also excellent. An hour later, all the tests and activity was over and we were left alone with Sera, to enjoy our first moments as a family.
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